Stop 'ooking at me

When I was seven and a half and my brother was three and learning to speak, he struggled with a speech impediment brought on by some difficulties he was having with his hearing.

The details are hazy but what I do remember, clear as day, was that he had a lot of trouble pronouncing the letter “L”. My parents took the advice of his speech therapist and practiced repetitive “L” centric sentences such as, “Lex Luthor lurked by the lake to launch his laser at Luke and Leia.” As his older sister I participated in these diction drills especially on long car trips where we would pass the time inventing “L” heavy phrases. Since I sat next to him in the back of my parents Chrysler Aerostar Minivan™, I would often gaze in his general direction while he ran through these exercises. At some point he assumed I was the enemy, and took offense to this, although no offense was intended. He would cry out, “Stop ‘ooking at me!” This unfortunately made the situation worse by making me giggle.

Today I live in a duplex next door to my brother and sister-in-law; they are expecting a baby boy in June. This will be the first grandchild in the family (my parents now divorced and remarried) and needless to say they’re thrilled.

Over the years the relationship with my brother has become strained. Although we see each other on a regular basis at our parents’ homes and in passing, there is a clear and unspoken rift. As an adult I have had several serious relationships and my brother has taken little to no interest in getting to know the men I was involved with, and on many occasions he was barely even cordial. He seems to relish the idea of talking down to me in front of friends and family and recently after one of these public displays, a close friend said to me in private, “You must have been a terrible big sister. He hates you.” Whatever the issue (big or small) all attempts to work things out always come to a fleeting, temporary resolution. His dissatisfaction with me rears its head with great vitriol whenever the next issue inevitably arises.

I don’t understand the problem.

I have always loved my brother and I have always wanted the best for him. I recognize that family relationships are flawed (God knows I have plenty) and that you have to accept people the way they are and not the way you want them to be. However, I have come to the point where I am no longer comfortable allowing myself to be belittled by him. This unspoken disconnect has gone on long enough and now I am speaking.

Yesterday, I called my brother and asked him for a sit down. I want to bring these issues to his attention. I want to let him know that his anger towards me hurts. And for our relationship to continue and grow we need to sort things out. There is a new life being born and I want to be a part of this child’s world and feel comfortable knowing that when I leave the room that I am valued and not casually disrespected.

I think back to those times in my parents’ minivan driving along some stretch of highway next to my baby brother who assumed I was looking at him with judgment when I was only along for the ride. Today I feel as though all he does is look at me with that same disapproving gaze. My worst self wants to grab him by the collar and shout in his face, “Stop ‘ooking at me!”

But really all I want to do is give him a hug and tell him that I love him… and hear it back.